MOHAWK: 2012

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Down

The back end of the anxiety I felt for the first period of my life is much reduced. Lingering still however in a greatly diminished form. The conspiracies that filled the spaces between myself and the world have lifted and I have created an opportunity to see each of you clearly, free from suspicion. This is a period of much reduced rage and malice. The life I have chosen may still end very badly but the likelihood of an average to positive outcome has increased.

My fear is in decline.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Funny few months

It's been a funny few months.

Made some paintings that I'm quite happy with, broke up with a girl I loved, drank far too much for a little while and gained a few kilo which I have since lost. Thank you olympic sized swimming pool, riding and weights! I should also thank Mike Chang while I'm talking about exercise. He is a personal trainer type who I found on Youtube. His videos are a bit douchey but his workout stuff really gets the job done and since they are on Youtube they're all free! Hmmm, what else? I showed the paintings down in Sydney. Looked pretty fab but I failed to sell any. Disappointing. I've also been thinking an awful lot about where I'm going with my life. I often toy with the idea of giving up art and doing something completely different. Tug boat captain comes to mind as a possible option. Maybe I could become a personal trainer? I do like exercise quite a bit :) This is all just pointless fancy though. I am going to be a painter/artist till the day I no longer can and I have to have get comfortable with the fact that I am going to let down quite a number people whilst doing so. I will probably never own a house or a unit. I'll probably never get married or reproduce as I am pretty much married to my work. I will never be rich and I will most likely die poor. The fact is, and it is generally hard to admit, that I do value all these things that I will not do. It is just that I choose to make the value of making art more significant than these other things. It is important to me. Though why it is I cannot exactly say. Perhaps that it is the attraction? The continued possibility of meaning. The arrival of which always being the briefest of satisfactions. A perpetualy moving carrot to chase. Meaning is slippery. Shifty. Yet it is so vital to constructing a sense of the world. Transitory. Elusive (Star Wars joke for those of you who like that sort of thing :)

That is it for tonight. I am sore from exercise and these beers are starting to work.
I love my life but I wish sometimes I didn't feel such doubt about the choices I make.
Enough.
Here is Mike Chang. Enjoy!

Mike Video 1

Mike Video 2

Photo

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dream

Please note that the following is from a dream I had a while back. The imagery stuck with me and I have consequently found it necessary to purge these dream images into words. I'd also like to add that I am not suicidle in any way shape or form. Things float to the surface of the mind and they need a way out.

On knees. Shotgun firmly in hand with the butt resting securely on the floor. The top edge of the curvature of the barrel is wedged snuggly in my mouth at the ridge where my soft pallet and hard pallet meet. I've been thinking about this for a number of months now. I know that I/this can come to no good end. It is is time to finalise proceedings. It is time for me to stop talking. It is time for action. This deliberation must end. Thank you all. It's been quite interesting.