Sunday, November 21, 2010

Anxiety and drink

After work I drink. It's not the first thing I do but the other things I do are simply to delay the drinking. The focus is the drink. Hopefully hard liquor or perhaps a cocktail. My current favorites are the Black Rose and the Sazerac. Both are potent and act swiftly, without hesitation. They work, they affect that thing I need them to effect, they are effective. I enjoy being affected. I don't know. Discipline, effort, consolidation. Consumption, laziness, indulgence....

I'm in a restaurant now. It's empty, I'm the only one in the room, I'm still waiting on my main. What the fuck sort of life am I leading? It borders on the silent, the unmoving, the fucking dead. Things lack impact. The general quiet and repetition of a good life with more than I need. Like everyone, I only want those things that I cannot have.

It's a different night now and and I'm out again and I'm listening to the conversations around me. There are two beautiful young women next to me. They're discussing uni, work, men. Boys actually. There is no such thing as men. What they have to say is quite boring, I guess I'm only eavesdropping because they are lovely so my attention returns to my drink. Booze, like art, answers a question for me. That question is the one of anxiety. Anxiety. An expanse of weight and open time. The anxiety flows. A series of moments, a torrent of seconds, time feels rancid, rancid honeyed concrete, marking change, progress.

On a bus, going to a party. It's a thirtieth. I wish I could say that going to this party was about meeting new people. It's not. It's about the drinking and, maybe a catch up with an old friend. A socially acceptable excuse to drink. Another friend gives me some drug. Two pills of drug. It makes me crave. I only want things I can't or don't have. There is a beautiful woman here at this party. Something I can't have. Perfect skin and wonderfully long dark hair. She would never have me. She said yes to a drink once, then said no. I've thought about asking her again but I won't. Perhaps if I was something I'm not, well, whatever. If I didn't have this drink problem, this social anxiety thing then maybe I could get the things the I want.

Well, I'll add to this post over time. I'm trying to figure this thing out. I need to fix this thing. I need to solve this problem of drink and anxiety.

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